USA, USA, USA!

Nice work Canada, but it's always USA here. To that end enjoy the fruits of the internets:

McGruber: The Movie

I know, I can't wait either. This thing also introduced me to a new term and breakthrough technique:

The Upper Decker:

	The act of defecating in the upper tank of the toilet. When the next poor unsuspecting person flushes the toilet they get a bowl of beef stew. the upper decker is a weapon of terror and should only be used on people who deserve it.

Julia Mancusco Poster Ad

This is a fucking great ad. Because pretty much every one of us have a completely ridiculous dream that we share with no one because we are afraid of the disapproval or lack of enthusiasm of others. Actually we could care less about what strangers think of us, we're really just scared of what out friends and family will say. Well guess what? If you have friends and family that shit on your dreams they aren't really your friends and your family is a bunch of assholes. FUCK THEM! Get your markers and paper out and draw your own damn poster, because if you don't give a shit about your dreams enough to celebrate them then nobody else every will either. After you do that look at it every day, work on your dream everyday, and ignore everybody. They don't know shit, but you do. Now turn off your computer and go do something that matters. (Buy the book below from Hugh MacLeod too.)

Sarah Schlepper: World's Most Hardcore Olympian

At the risk of stealing Colbert's line, you are my alpha dog of the week. Now this is how you should start your run, or race, or annual review.

Dock Ellis No Hitter

Knuckle Tattoo Generator

This is what mine would say as it would save me the trouble of having to say to out loud to folks so often.

Get your own knuckles at the knuckle tattoo gun.

World's Greaest Buddist Missionary: Orlando Bloom's Cock

(Via Daily Beast) So you want to become a Buddhist? Of course you do you cool hipster you. Skimming through the slide show of famous Buddhists I did learn what so many of them have in common (or in them in common). A romance with Orlando Bloom. So if you are hoping to disappoint your grandparents before the holidays Orlando is here for your. Who knew?

Pass the ammunition.

It's a red letter day for my family, and countless other paranoid gun fetishists everywhere. Why is that you say? Well for all you pacifistic hippie jackasses today is the first day you are legally allowed to bring your bazooka with you while camping in our nation's fine national parks. I, for one, am deeply relieved that very soon a small army of older white diabetics with "Ditto Rush" stickers will be on duty defending our parks from the Communist threat. Wolverines!

This of course also means that my fine Uncle Gary is carefully packing his suburban full of fire arms and Olympia beer on his way to exercise his right as an American to sit in the forest and frighten others. I have choosen a picture of Magnum here in place of Gary as the crafty old bastard seems to have never allowed anyone to take his picture. He's always one step ahead of the black helicopters and the T-Men that way. 

Now I imagine some of you are saying that Gary is just a good Christian gentleman who loves his country, is knowledgeable in the ways of the thunderstick, and loves the outdoors and I should just leave him alone. All these points couldn't be more true. Gary loves the sweet baby Jesus, hates Catholics, and has had more deep philosophical discussions of firearms with his friends and the voices in his head that anyone I know. All I'm trying to say is that after a lifetime of hunting with the man I've learned that he doesn't go out into the woods with a gun without bringing back some game. I'm just worried what the game is this time. (Run Juan Valdez!)

You've Been Put On Notice

Lost Pet

Hello My New Car

Shakira & Glen Danzig Duet!

Car Window Art

I may have to stop washing my car in the hope this guy will do it up too. Check out Scott Wade's Dirty Car Art

Best Shorts Ever

Worst Birthday Present Ever

Sometimes life just causes you to wonder when exactly was the moment that your loved ones started freebasing heroin. Case and point, is this year's birthday present from my mother: a box of mail order oranges. Now don't get me wrong, I am very much an faithful and true adherent to the dogma of being a gracious gift recipient, no matter how poorly advised said gift was. That said I'll be the first to stand up for your rights to talk shit behind the giver's back after a proper thank you is given. But it is gifts such as these that make me wonder whether or not their is a secret inter-familial game ongoing to see who can give the shittiest gift possible. Because what it boils down to is that I don't like oranges. I understand they are full of vitamins and minerals and general goodness, and for that reason I have from time to time eaten one under protest. But other than that I find them to be sticky, laborious wastes of time. A fact which I have spoken on a few times over the last 30 years or so. But you know who loves oranges? Mom loves oranges. In fact most of the gifts that I receive from Mom are things that I loathe but that she loves. Had you been present for the 2005 Spam Roll debacle you would understand. So, as I say every year, thank Mom. Try to lose my address before next year. 

Best Birthday Card Ever!

Mrs. Smiley Bird straight up killed in the birthday card department this year with this Paul Frank card she got me. The inside says "I hope you get a lot of booty!". Hells ya!

Bring Back the Chocolate News

I'm begging you Comedy Central. Pick up the red phone, call David Allan Greer and put this master work back on the air. You know he's not busy. Love you, mean it, call me.

Chocolate News	Wednesdays 10:30pm / 9:30c
Giving it Up
www.comedycentral.com
Joke of the Day Stand-Up Comedy Free Online Games

Aziz Ansari: My new favorite comedian.

I watch stand up with the same enthusiasm that Al Michaels watches football, except I keep my pants on. I rarely get truly excited by new comedians as a result but Aziz's new special that was on Comedy Central killed. Watch out for it, but here's a good interview to hold you over.





Oh snap I found one from the special after all. Enjoy.

Jokes.com
Aziz Ansari - Cold Stone Creamery
comedians.comedycentral.com
Joke of the Day Stand-Up Comedy Free Online Games

Hitler Meme: Conan & Jay

I never get tired of this thing. A demon that eats balls indeed.

thebiketube.com

I just recently came across the fine proclamations of the folks at thebiketube.com last week, and what a piece of work it is. My guess is their intention was to create a site with a lot of video content to explain the finer points of bike maintenance and repair to the young hipster douche crowd. But low and behold the series of tubes has done gone and beamed their shit out to the likes of me. Those of you who own a variety of ghastly lycra or spandex outfits will be satiated by the helpful coverage of such topics as building your own wheels. The rest of you mouth breathers will doubtlessly chuckle along to the irreverent on screen comments. For instance, during a wheel building video the host discusses how often one should lube your spoke nipples and the screen flashes "Every Night!". I bet that motherfucker always has some Grey Poupon around.

Canada: Do you have a spare bedroom?

As the pants crapping possibility of a President Palin grows on the horizon my bet hedging impulse has been urging me to come up with a backup plan. First I thought about the lovely lands and peoples of Mexico & Costa Rica. These places enjoy cozy climates, low costs of living, and a cornucopia of tacos and I love tacos. However the twin terrors of narcotics war and having to actually master a romance language snapped my happy ass back to reality. No bueno.

Plan B would be to take the route so many hippies before have driven and short sell this debt ravaged land of the free and jump the northern border for Canada. I mean look at this place. It's frickin gorgeous. Plus no crime, no medical bill collectors, and you can eat elk for breakfast. Where can a brother sign up? The internet it turns out. In contrast to the totally insane multi-decade archaic cluster fuck that is the American immigration system Canada has a 90 second online quiz to see if you qualify. The best news is the passing score is only 67! If only that had been true in high school my parents wouldn't have been so disappointed. Here's how I fared:

Better clean out your guest room Canada cause we're packing the Foreman Grill, eight thankless years of French lessons, and all our guns and headed your way. Bienvenue comrades!

Trek District Bike

 

Damn I need this bike. Besides looking cool as shit it has a silent as a ninja carbon drive on it. Just two problems for Trek to ponder on.

1. It's a fixed gear bike. As much as I would love to be the type of doucher who rocks the fixie, lives in a loft, and secretly loves Jagr shots it isn't meant to be. Plus I live in the fucking hilliest place I could find.
2. I'm not paying anybody $1,200 for a commuter. Deal with it.

allhailtheblackmarket.com

I am quite enjoying the ADD fueled rambling and goings on of the great American writer Stevil Knevil. At different times in my life I was proud to call wingnuts such as him my brothers. Then I stopped returning their calls and left town. It was a hard choice but I wanted to have nicer shit and they pissed on everything like a litter of new puppies. I'm proud to report that the years since have been mainly urine free. So check his shit and enjoy the chuckles at arms length.

All Hail The Black Market

I will straight up hit you in the face with my bicycle.

The jackasses on the motorcycle made a bad choice of purse snatching locations. Nice work completely insane Asian guy. You sir are full of a deep abiding rage. Also whatever douche who added the "Kung Fu Fighting" soundtrack is just a damn racist. You better pray crazy Asian action hero guy never finds you.