Who put the goat in there?

(All praises be to Aunt Smiley Bird who sent this video to me. Truly I learn at the feet of the master. Also, Go Red Sox!)

For those who give a damn here is the wikipedia about the man who is Benny Lava aka Prabhu Deva.

Karaoke Fail For The Ages

(via Bikesnobnyc)

Questionable Advice: Most Ironic Signs Of All Time

See the whole slideshow at Huffpost.

Gifs of popular rappers.

Gifs of popular rappers.

(via Aziz is bored)

One for the ladies...

(via AHTBM)

Ben Folds Chatroulette

Hammerhead Eage i-Thrust Electric Car

Witness the masterpiece that is the "Hammerhead Eagle i-Thrust" electric car. This magnificent piece of automotive engineering was Frankensteined together from various pieces of cars and junk by the hosts of the popular and hilarious BBC/BBC America show "Top Gear". The view is the test and review of the car by the editors of "AutoCar" I take to be a limey car rag. Enjoy.

The Worst Commercial Ever

Chances are you've seen this commercial too, as it's on it a near constant loop. What I'd love to have someone explain to me is why a state of national emergency was declared when we saw half a African-American boob for a fraction of a second, and not when this stupid white lady talks about jimmying a dirty plastic tube into her lady junk 20 times a day.

When Schoolhouse Rock Goes Bad

(via Late Night With Jimmy)

Mexican American's Have a Son-in-Law Named Jeff

Consider yourself educated and shit.

Fun With Presidential Photos: Part 4 Health Care Edition

"Today's House vote on Health Care Reform comes after 53 years of work, more than a year of protracted debate, and too many late nights to mention. It is a great moment on the life of our country for millions of Americans. Now to the Republicans who stonewalled me and the Teabaggers who so recently spat on John Lewis and called him a nigger, Barry has a question for you: How does my dick taste? The answer is: Barry's dick tastes like freedom. Barry's dick tastes like justice flowing like a river. I also imagine it's a little salty. Enjoy."

Rep. John Lewis is a huge pimp.

I'll be listening to this on repeat today. Keep in mind all the shit this guy has put up with in his life including being called nigger buy an angry mob as he walk to his office the last couple of days. All you haters can suck his enormous balls.

It's all starting to make sense to me now...

Devo: Working in a Coal Mine

Fun With Presidential Photos: Part 3

"Now listen up people. Once the movie starts Barry doesn't want to hear any talking, any cell phones buzzing, any loud chewing, or really any other kind of noise that distracts Barry from pretending all the guys getting riddled with holes are Rep. Mike Pence and not just the Japanese infantry. Alright? Good. Let's do this thing Hanks."

Rep. Alan Grayson Campaign Letter (He Ain't Nothin' To Fuck Wit)

 

On Friday night, Sarah Palin came to Orlando, and attacked Rep. Alan Grayson. This is what she said:

"I got to meet quite a few candidates who are lining up in a contested primary who want to take out Alan Grayson. And I think Alan Grayson -- what can you say about Alan Grayson? Piper is with me tonight, so I won't say anything about Alan Grayson that can't be said around children. [Good one, Sarah!] But thank you, Florida, for allowing candidates in a contested primary to duke it out over ideas and principles and values, all with the same goal, and that is unseating those who have such a disconnect from the people of America. That's what the goal is here in this race against Alan Grayson. Please fight hard, and do this for the rest of the country. Fight hard, and send a conservative to Washington, DC."

Palin, the former half-term Governor, current-nothing and future-even-less, charmed the all-Republican audience with her folksy folksiness and her homespun homespunnery. Atypically, Palin was wearing clothes that she had paid for herself. At the end of the event, she shared her recipe for mooseface pie.

In response to Palin's attack on Rep Grayson, Grayson actually complimented Palin. Grayson praised Palin for having a hand large enough to fit Grayson's entire name on it. He thanked Palin for alleviating the growing shortage of platitudes in Central Florida. Grayson added that Palin deserved credit for getting through the entire hour-long program without quitting. Grayson also said that Palin really had mastered Palin's imitation of Tina Fey imitating Palin. Grayson observed that Palin is the most-intelligent leader that the Republican Party has produced since George W. Bush.

When asked to comment about what effect Palin's criticism might have, Grayson pointed out, "As the Knave's horse says in Alice in Wonderland, 'dogs will believe anything.'" Earlier, as the Orlando Sentinel reported, Grayson said, "I'm sure Palin knows all about politics in Central Florida, since from her porch she can see Winter Park," which is part of Grayson's district.

Grayson said that the Alaskan chillbilly was welcome to return to Central Florida anytime, as long as she brings lots of money with her, and spends it. "I look forward to an honest debate with Governor Palin on the issues, in the unlikely event that she ever learns anything about them," Grayson added, alluding to Politifact's "liar, liar, pants on fire" evaluation of much of what Palin has said .

Scientists are studying Sarah Palin's travel between Alaska and Florida carefully. They hope to learn more about the flight patterns of that elusive migratory species, the wild Alaskan dingbat.

(via Alan Grayson who don't give a fuck)

Pain somehow often funny.

Best Fails of 2009 - watch more funny videos

(Via Funny or Die)

Contessa Brewer Didn't Like What She Found.

I was lucky enough to see this live. Contessa has a way with the ad lib. You'll need to watch the beginning for context, but I started laughing around 0:49.

So, So True

(Via Texts From Last Night)

I could normally care less about trivia such as this, but this one blew my mind. Click here to check it out.

1987 7-11 Cycling Team

This ruined cycling and music for me at the same time. (via  Cycling Inquistion)

World's Youngest Robert De Niro Impersonator

I'm coming to your house today...

(via Evil Cycling)

Hot Tub Time Machine

As stupid as this movie will undoubtedly be I am unabashedly excited to view it's wonder. While I imagine that it will in fact be funny, I am mostly excited for the revival of the 80's ski movie achetype. For the unnitiated here are some other greats from the genre for you Netflix pleasuring.

Hot Dog: The Movie



Ski School



Better off Dead



(Bonus points awarded if you noticed Cusack is also in this movie from '85. He is the alpha and omega of this genre.)

Are you fucking kidding me?!

Every day Rep. Massa walks right up to Congress, squares his heel, and kicks it right in the dick. A tickle fight? A fucking tickle fight? LBJ woulda cut your cock off, nailed it to his office door, and used it as a coat hanger. Drop dead asshole. (Via NYTimes)

I take back everything I said.

This is gonna be great!

Congress: Feel free to hide your heads in shame...anytime now.

This is Marcelas Owens. He's 10 years old and the youngest heath care lobbyist on Capitol Hill. The reason he's a lobbyist and not say playing on a jungle gym is that he's pissed that his Mom died of a treatable illness because she lost her health insurance because she lost he job, because she was sick. It's a sad day when it takes a 10 year old to talk some sense into our representatives. Git r done Marcelas.

Seattle Times

Legend of the Guardians

Look, I'm an owl, they're owls. It's just how it is. Maybe it won't suck. I had a small part. Looks for the white owl laughing his owl balls off.

Tron 2 Trailer

Please don't ruin the last good thing about the 80's. I'm begging you.

What Up With That?

SNL is always going to be a hit or miss affair, but there is one recurring segment this season that never fails to please: What Up With That? The set up and delivery of the bit itself is actually pretty funny, but if you pay any attention to it you miss the real payoff. Just watch the skit through and just pay attention to Jason Sudeikis dancing in the background in a red warm up suit and fro wig. I never get tired of it.

DJ Father Ninja Chef

For those of you who aren't addicted to Food Network's fine program Throwdown (really everybody) let me introduce you to a recent guest contestant Father Leo Patalinghug. As is the theme of the show the good Padre was challenged by Chef Bobby Flay to compete to see who makes the best fajitas. Keep in mind that Bobby is pretty much world famous for his restaurants that serve Spanish and Mexican foods. Skipping to the point crushed Flay like a clove of garlic. Even better, during the competition toyed with Flay mentioning among other things that he had been taught to prep vegetables while a seminary student in Rome while volunteering in the soup kitchen at the Vatican. Pretty fucking slick right? Hold that thought. Guess who was his teacher in the soup kitchen? Mother Teresa of Calcutta, that's who. Yes, that Mother Teresa. Even world renowned celebrity chef Bobby Flay was like I can't follow that. But wait, the good Padre is just warming up so put on a hat cause I'm gonna blow your fucking mind. Another interesting facts about Father Leo: he is a successful break dancer and break dance choreographer. Even cooler than being a awesome break dancer is that Father Leo is also a 3rd degree black belt and martial arts instructor too. Yes, he's been busy.(Here is some of his dance work)



All this is pretty badass, but the reason Father Leo was on the show was because he has a Catholic cooking show about how to cook with and for your family. So why does he have this show? Two reasons. First, Father Leo is a pretty awesome chefs, like everything else that he does. He's like the Midas of Filipino priests. Second, he wanted to reach out to his flock so he found a way to engage them where they were and in a way that they were comfortable with.

I can't tell you how many times I talk to some poor asshole who's completely mystified why they can't sell their widget. Every one of them basically thinks their potential customers are all idiots and should just do what they are told on the sellers terms and it would be golden because they are the world's greatest genius. Generally the reason they aren't successful is because they are either too lazy to consider they actual needs and wants of their customers or to lazy to do anything outside of their comfort zone. Here's a little news flash: How much harder is it for Father Leo as a ninja, chef, dancer, priest to go out of his box against literally centuries of tradition to reach his flock than for any business. Now quit your fucking bitching.

Geneva Auto Show: Car Porn

If you heard a sound like a flag being raised at reveille it was the giant boner Jay Leno has from looking at the hot cars at the Geneva Auto Show. Here are my favorites. Note one is a fucking Hyundai I-Flow. Yes, I said Hyundai. I know, I pissed my pants a little bit too.

 

And of course the new Benz (boing!).

 

American Al Qaeda Captured

Every now an again things just seem to go your way, such as the Pakistani's capturing the uber-douche American Al Qaeda, formerly of Riverside, California (Where you at Teabaggers?). I recall that the punishment for treason is execution by hanging. Until then I know a man who sure would like to talk to this gentleman. I don't know what they'll talk about, but given that we know how Dick treats his good friends I don't think it will be pretty. Via con dios jackass.

Tony Bourdain @ Yo Gabba Gabba

Before Tony was a slightly annoying Travel TV host he was a freaking awesome chef and an amazing writer to boot. I haven't read any of his mysteries but his book "Kitchen Confidential" was a page turner best read while listening to 70's punk rock turned up too loud. Now I get to watch the knucklehead on our favorite children show to watch while tripin on mushrooms.

Bed Jumpers

Series of bed jumpers photos. Goofy shit. Check it out here (via David Pogue @ NYTimes).

Chuck Norris Action Jeans

Search Amazon.com for delta force

This is how I ride.

I mean that in the sense that I ride on a mountain bike in the woods while wearing clothes.

Have you seen this cat?

(via ALTBM)

Fun With Presidential Photos: Part 2

 

Dalai Lama: What?!...China won't work with you on Iran?!...Oh wow. You wanna see my shocked face?...Whaaaaaaaaa?!?!?!

Fun With Presidential Photos: Part 1

 

Barry's...To do...list.

Number...1...Pass...health...care...bill.

Number...2...Quit...smoking...already...for...Christ's sake.

Number...3...Stab...Eric Cantor...in...the...fucking...dickhole.

Selling the Dream

Thule "Bike Spot" from Nathan Avila on Vimeo.

This is a Thule commercial. This is how people who know what they are doing actually sell stuff. No one gives a shit about your product. Your product/service is a gateway to an experience they are longing for. Deliver on that and nobody will care about how much it costs.

May I Present: The Bike Snob NYC

For those of you who don't enjoy wearing Y-front pants and riding around you neighborhood like a chucklehead let me introduce you to the fine comedic stylings of Bikesnobnyc. Check him out.

Lawsuit Bait

I hope these guys have a reserve account just set up for lawyers and such. I can already see the defamation and cease and desist letters in my mind. Stay classy San Diego. (Thanks to JB for the heads up)

Loretta Lynn would totally cut you.

I'm mad as hell and I have access to Powerpoint

Yours is a very bad hotel

View more presentations from whatidiscover.

Sometimes, when I'm feeling like a shitty employee (often), I watch this slideshow and it makes me feel better. Never piss off a man who bears a grudge and has mad MS Office 2000 skillz.

What Is Good Content?

JESS3 / The State of The Internet from JESS3 on Vimeo.

People oh so frequently ask me what my presentation/ad/video/banner/brochure/pitch/slam dance party needs to look/feel/sound/taste like so that people will do what I want. Here's an example. If your shit isn't this thoughtful, simple, and compelling you fail. That simple. Here's a couple of books that can help.

Gov. Rick Perry

https://twitter.com/rickperryfacts

USA, USA, USA!

Nice work Canada, but it's always USA here. To that end enjoy the fruits of the internets:

McGruber: The Movie

I know, I can't wait either. This thing also introduced me to a new term and breakthrough technique:

The Upper Decker:

	The act of defecating in the upper tank of the toilet. When the next poor unsuspecting person flushes the toilet they get a bowl of beef stew. the upper decker is a weapon of terror and should only be used on people who deserve it.

Julia Mancusco Poster Ad

This is a fucking great ad. Because pretty much every one of us have a completely ridiculous dream that we share with no one because we are afraid of the disapproval or lack of enthusiasm of others. Actually we could care less about what strangers think of us, we're really just scared of what out friends and family will say. Well guess what? If you have friends and family that shit on your dreams they aren't really your friends and your family is a bunch of assholes. FUCK THEM! Get your markers and paper out and draw your own damn poster, because if you don't give a shit about your dreams enough to celebrate them then nobody else every will either. After you do that look at it every day, work on your dream everyday, and ignore everybody. They don't know shit, but you do. Now turn off your computer and go do something that matters. (Buy the book below from Hugh MacLeod too.)

Sarah Schlepper: World's Most Hardcore Olympian

At the risk of stealing Colbert's line, you are my alpha dog of the week. Now this is how you should start your run, or race, or annual review.

Dock Ellis No Hitter

Knuckle Tattoo Generator

This is what mine would say as it would save me the trouble of having to say to out loud to folks so often.

Get your own knuckles at the knuckle tattoo gun.

World's Greaest Buddist Missionary: Orlando Bloom's Cock

(Via Daily Beast) So you want to become a Buddhist? Of course you do you cool hipster you. Skimming through the slide show of famous Buddhists I did learn what so many of them have in common (or in them in common). A romance with Orlando Bloom. So if you are hoping to disappoint your grandparents before the holidays Orlando is here for your. Who knew?

Pass the ammunition.

It's a red letter day for my family, and countless other paranoid gun fetishists everywhere. Why is that you say? Well for all you pacifistic hippie jackasses today is the first day you are legally allowed to bring your bazooka with you while camping in our nation's fine national parks. I, for one, am deeply relieved that very soon a small army of older white diabetics with "Ditto Rush" stickers will be on duty defending our parks from the Communist threat. Wolverines!

This of course also means that my fine Uncle Gary is carefully packing his suburban full of fire arms and Olympia beer on his way to exercise his right as an American to sit in the forest and frighten others. I have choosen a picture of Magnum here in place of Gary as the crafty old bastard seems to have never allowed anyone to take his picture. He's always one step ahead of the black helicopters and the T-Men that way. 

Now I imagine some of you are saying that Gary is just a good Christian gentleman who loves his country, is knowledgeable in the ways of the thunderstick, and loves the outdoors and I should just leave him alone. All these points couldn't be more true. Gary loves the sweet baby Jesus, hates Catholics, and has had more deep philosophical discussions of firearms with his friends and the voices in his head that anyone I know. All I'm trying to say is that after a lifetime of hunting with the man I've learned that he doesn't go out into the woods with a gun without bringing back some game. I'm just worried what the game is this time. (Run Juan Valdez!)

You've Been Put On Notice

Lost Pet

Hello My New Car

Shakira & Glen Danzig Duet!

Car Window Art

I may have to stop washing my car in the hope this guy will do it up too. Check out Scott Wade's Dirty Car Art

Best Shorts Ever

Worst Birthday Present Ever

Sometimes life just causes you to wonder when exactly was the moment that your loved ones started freebasing heroin. Case and point, is this year's birthday present from my mother: a box of mail order oranges. Now don't get me wrong, I am very much an faithful and true adherent to the dogma of being a gracious gift recipient, no matter how poorly advised said gift was. That said I'll be the first to stand up for your rights to talk shit behind the giver's back after a proper thank you is given. But it is gifts such as these that make me wonder whether or not their is a secret inter-familial game ongoing to see who can give the shittiest gift possible. Because what it boils down to is that I don't like oranges. I understand they are full of vitamins and minerals and general goodness, and for that reason I have from time to time eaten one under protest. But other than that I find them to be sticky, laborious wastes of time. A fact which I have spoken on a few times over the last 30 years or so. But you know who loves oranges? Mom loves oranges. In fact most of the gifts that I receive from Mom are things that I loathe but that she loves. Had you been present for the 2005 Spam Roll debacle you would understand. So, as I say every year, thank Mom. Try to lose my address before next year. 

Best Birthday Card Ever!

Mrs. Smiley Bird straight up killed in the birthday card department this year with this Paul Frank card she got me. The inside says "I hope you get a lot of booty!". Hells ya!

Bring Back the Chocolate News

I'm begging you Comedy Central. Pick up the red phone, call David Allan Greer and put this master work back on the air. You know he's not busy. Love you, mean it, call me.

Chocolate News	Wednesdays 10:30pm / 9:30c
Giving it Up
www.comedycentral.com
Joke of the Day Stand-Up Comedy Free Online Games

Aziz Ansari: My new favorite comedian.

I watch stand up with the same enthusiasm that Al Michaels watches football, except I keep my pants on. I rarely get truly excited by new comedians as a result but Aziz's new special that was on Comedy Central killed. Watch out for it, but here's a good interview to hold you over.





Oh snap I found one from the special after all. Enjoy.

Jokes.com
Aziz Ansari - Cold Stone Creamery
comedians.comedycentral.com
Joke of the Day Stand-Up Comedy Free Online Games

Hitler Meme: Conan & Jay

I never get tired of this thing. A demon that eats balls indeed.

thebiketube.com

I just recently came across the fine proclamations of the folks at thebiketube.com last week, and what a piece of work it is. My guess is their intention was to create a site with a lot of video content to explain the finer points of bike maintenance and repair to the young hipster douche crowd. But low and behold the series of tubes has done gone and beamed their shit out to the likes of me. Those of you who own a variety of ghastly lycra or spandex outfits will be satiated by the helpful coverage of such topics as building your own wheels. The rest of you mouth breathers will doubtlessly chuckle along to the irreverent on screen comments. For instance, during a wheel building video the host discusses how often one should lube your spoke nipples and the screen flashes "Every Night!". I bet that motherfucker always has some Grey Poupon around.

Canada: Do you have a spare bedroom?

As the pants crapping possibility of a President Palin grows on the horizon my bet hedging impulse has been urging me to come up with a backup plan. First I thought about the lovely lands and peoples of Mexico & Costa Rica. These places enjoy cozy climates, low costs of living, and a cornucopia of tacos and I love tacos. However the twin terrors of narcotics war and having to actually master a romance language snapped my happy ass back to reality. No bueno.

Plan B would be to take the route so many hippies before have driven and short sell this debt ravaged land of the free and jump the northern border for Canada. I mean look at this place. It's frickin gorgeous. Plus no crime, no medical bill collectors, and you can eat elk for breakfast. Where can a brother sign up? The internet it turns out. In contrast to the totally insane multi-decade archaic cluster fuck that is the American immigration system Canada has a 90 second online quiz to see if you qualify. The best news is the passing score is only 67! If only that had been true in high school my parents wouldn't have been so disappointed. Here's how I fared:

Better clean out your guest room Canada cause we're packing the Foreman Grill, eight thankless years of French lessons, and all our guns and headed your way. Bienvenue comrades!

Trek District Bike

 

Damn I need this bike. Besides looking cool as shit it has a silent as a ninja carbon drive on it. Just two problems for Trek to ponder on.

1. It's a fixed gear bike. As much as I would love to be the type of doucher who rocks the fixie, lives in a loft, and secretly loves Jagr shots it isn't meant to be. Plus I live in the fucking hilliest place I could find.
2. I'm not paying anybody $1,200 for a commuter. Deal with it.

allhailtheblackmarket.com

I am quite enjoying the ADD fueled rambling and goings on of the great American writer Stevil Knevil. At different times in my life I was proud to call wingnuts such as him my brothers. Then I stopped returning their calls and left town. It was a hard choice but I wanted to have nicer shit and they pissed on everything like a litter of new puppies. I'm proud to report that the years since have been mainly urine free. So check his shit and enjoy the chuckles at arms length.

All Hail The Black Market

I will straight up hit you in the face with my bicycle.

The jackasses on the motorcycle made a bad choice of purse snatching locations. Nice work completely insane Asian guy. You sir are full of a deep abiding rage. Also whatever douche who added the "Kung Fu Fighting" soundtrack is just a damn racist. You better pray crazy Asian action hero guy never finds you.